A sensitive child spots empty praise instantly. If you tell them everything they do is wonderful, they stop believing you, and along the way they stop believing what you say when something really is good. Reinforcement works, but it has to be done properly.
The difference that changes everything
“You’re so clever” and “you stuck with it for twenty minutes without giving up” look like the same thing and they aren’t.
The first praises a fixed quality. It obliges them to keep it up and, when something goes wrong, the child concludes that they have stopped being clever. Many bright children avoid difficult things for precisely this reason.
The second praises something they did and can repeat. It doesn’t depend on how much they are worth, it depends on what they did.
With highly sensitive children this difference counts double, because they take what is said about them very seriously and they keep it.
How to recognise useful praise
- It is specific. Not “well done” but “you tidied up without my telling you to”.
- It is about the behaviour, not the person.
- It arrives quickly, not three days later.
- It is proportionate. A party for tying one shoe sounds like mockery.
- It has no tag on the end. “Well done, let’s see if you can do the same in maths now” erases everything before it.
Goals, at the right size
A goal that motivates is one that looks reachable from where you are standing. With sensitive children it is worth lowering the bar considerably more than seems reasonable, because a goal that is too high doesn’t spur them on: it makes them write off the attempt before starting.
The recipe that works: break it into small steps and celebrate each step. And let them set the goal, or at least choose between two you suggest.
A visible chart where the progress can be seen helps a great deal, especially between five and nine. It doesn’t have to involve stickers or prizes: seeing the route is enough.
Careful with prizes
Material rewards work in the short term and have a known effect: when they are withdrawn, the behaviour usually falls below where it started, because the child has stopped doing it for the original reason.
They are reasonable for getting something specific started, and for a limited time. For what you want to last, another currency is better: your attention, some time with you, letting them see that you noticed.
When something goes wrong
This is where the most gets built or the most gets broken. A sensitive child who fails is already punishing themselves, and harshly. Adding reproach teaches nothing, it only confirms what they were already telling themselves.
What is called for is separating the act from the identity: “that went wrong and it can be put right” rather than “the same as always”. And then genuinely moving on, without bringing it up for three days.
The cheapest reinforcement
Noticing. Saying out loud that you saw one small thing they did well, without turning it into a ceremony. Many sensitive children have spent years with the feeling that only what they do wrong gets noticed, and having someone register the rest changes a good deal more than you would think.
Positive reinforcement and goal setting are developed in Corazones Valientes, Niños Sensibles, applied to the classroom as well.