Some children know perfectly well what to do in a social situation and still freeze. It isn’t judgement they lack, it is having done it before. And that gets solved by rehearsing, not by explaining.
The problem isn’t the theory
Ask a sensitive child what you should do if someone pushes into the queue. They will tell you with more nuance than an adult. Doing it in the moment, with fifteen children watching, is another matter.
The distance between knowing and doing is closed by rehearsal. In the same way that an actor doesn’t learn a part by thinking about it.
Rehearsing at home, where there is no embarrassment
You take one specific situation that worries them and act it out. You play another child, they play themselves. Two minutes, and then you swap roles, which is the part that teaches most.
Situations worth rehearsing:
- Asking to join a game that has already started.
- Saying no to something they don’t want to do.
- Answering a bit of teasing without crying or hitting.
- Asking an adult at school for help.
- Introducing themselves to someone new.
With the youngest you can do it with dolls, which removes all the pressure. With older ones, spoken and without the acting.
Phrases worth having learned
A child who freezes doesn’t improvise. Having three or four prepared phrases, practised until they come out on their own, gives them a floor to stand on:
- “Can I play?”
- “I don’t feel like it right now.”
- “I don’t like it when you say that to me.”
- “I need a while on my own.”
They look obvious. They aren’t when you are seven and your throat has closed.
Working as a team
Games where several people have to achieve something together work better than competitive ones for a sensitive child, for a practical reason: they take the spotlight off them. In a shared task they relate to others without being assessed.
Building something between three of them, cooking as a team, a treasure hunt in pairs. The interaction happens by itself while their hands are busy.
One to one before the group
This is the order that works and it is nearly always done the other way round. You start by inviting one child over, two hours, with an activity. When that relationship is solid, you move to three. The big group comes much later, if it comes at all.
Putting a child who freezes straight into a birthday party with twenty others isn’t gradual exposure, it is an exam without having studied.
What to do with the embarrassment
There will be attempts that go wrong. They will be told they can’t play, they will forget the phrase.
What matters then isn’t comforting them quickly, it is telling it properly: “you asked even though it made you cringe. That’s the hard part, and you did it.” The result didn’t depend on them; the attempt did, and that is what needs reinforcing.
The team challenge exercise and the development of social skills are in Corazones Valientes, Niños Sensibles.