Telling an upset child “take a deep breath” is no use at all, and there is a reason: in that state they don’t know how. Deep breathing isn’t intuitive, it has to be taught. And it is taught in calm, never in the middle of the storm.
Why it works
Breathing deeply with the diaphragm, and above all lengthening the out-breath, activates the branch of the nervous system in charge of braking. Heart rate drops, muscle tension loosens. It is the opposite mechanism to fight or flight, which is exactly the one that has been triggered in them.
In a highly sensitive child, who sets off that alarm more often, having a way of braking to hand is worth a great deal.
Balloon breathing, step by step
The place. Quiet, with no background noise. Lying on their back on a blanket, which is where it is easiest to feel the belly. If they prefer to sit, with their back supported.
The explanation. Short and without solemnity: “we’re going to learn a way of breathing that helps you feel calm. You breathe with your tummy.”
The hands. One on the chest and one on the belly. The one on the chest barely moves; the one on the belly goes up and down. That is the whole criterion.
The trick that solves it. A small soft toy on the belly. All of a sudden it stops being an abstract instruction and becomes a game with a visible goal: making the toy go up and down. With children from four to seven, this changes the result completely.
The rhythm. Breathe in through the nose counting to four. Hold for two. Let it out through the mouth counting to six. The out-breath being longer than the in-breath is what does the work.
The image. “Your tummy is a balloon. When you take air in it inflates little by little. When you let it go it deflates slowly.” Five or ten times, unhurried.
The mistakes that spoil it
Teaching it in the middle of a tantrum. This is the most common one. At that moment they can’t learn anything, and on top of that they associate the exercise with a bad time. You teach it on a Sunday morning, playing.
Correcting them a lot. If they breathe with their chest at first, that’s fine. Pointing out the mistake five times turns the game into an exam.
Making it long. Two minutes is an eternity for a child. Ten breaths is enough.
Setting it as homework. The moment it is compulsory, they will stop wanting to.
When to practise it
One minute a day, always at the same time, is what turns the technique into a resource that is available. The best moment is usually just before sleep, because it helps with that too.
After that, when a bad moment comes, you can offer it: “shall we do the balloon?” Offer, don’t order. And if they say no, you don’t push.
The sign that it has taken
It isn’t that they do it well with you. It is the day you see them do it on their own, without anyone telling them to, because they noticed they needed it. That can take months and it is exactly the goal.
The full breathing guide, with more variants by age, is in Corazones Valientes, Niños Sensibles.